Earlier today I started feeling lost and I felt like I didn’t belong in the world. My dad came in and told me that sometimes things aren’t as bad as the seem sometimes. Yes, this is true, but I’m afraid that he is unaware of the battle raging in my head. My parents keep saying that I am handling my depression well and that I am doing better. I have just gotten better at hiding it and for some reason I blew up today. I was sure I was going to kill myself because I hate having bad thoughts. I got as far as putting a floor cleaner in my tea along with my prescription sleeping aid and waited for them to dissolve. I had a knife in my hand and turned up the music in my bathroom and shut the door. I got in the shower and grabbed my cup of death…. I was getting ready to drink it and I got a message from a friend of mine saying “I don’t want you to give up.” I was telling my friend that I was ready to surrender that I didn’t want to live my life the way that I was living it. I felt pressured to be happy and like I wasn’t allowed to feel sad. In my family, I am the mediator, now this sounds odd because I can’t even control the thoughts in my head, but I can somehow help my family control theirs. This is the worst part for me because I am stuck feeling helpless while I can help others. In the midst of me texting this friend of mine, I guess all I wanted to feel was wanted. I went back into my thoughts and all that I was wanted for was Sex. My ex-boyfriends always asked for sex and I didn’t give in and that caused problems. This friend of mine doesn’t live in my hometown and yet, he didn’t want me to give up. There are people in the world that mean what they say and although I am skeptical, I felt like he meant it. So Chris, thank you for making me feel wanted and appreciated.
Sometimes people go a long time without being recognized and that is what makes people go insane. You need to acknowledge people and their efforts. You never know what someone is going through. Don’t pressure them into telling you how they feel, wait for them to open up. Don’t tell someone to “Be” happy because you can’t just BE anything. It takes time, it takes effort, and most of all it requires patience. My parents want me to BE happy and the result is something totally opposite. I feel at a loss because I can’t BE happy in a split second. So please be patient with people, their battles might not be as big as yours in your mind, but in their mind, it’s like trying to figure out how to breath underwater without an oxygen tank, it’s hard and seems impossible.