How would I describe Depression

If I were to describe depression as if it was a human being. . . I would say that this person named Depression would have hallow, dark, eyes. His face would be expressionless with no color. His hair would be matted and beard unshaven. His clothes ripped and ragged. He would linger in one spot after another, trying to convince himself that one more step would get him going. If you were able to look through his eyes at the world, you would see all the positive qualities in other people and see only the demons within him. You would see dull colors and people rushing by seeming to have a purpose. If you were able to read his mind, you would hear him think to himself saying “look at you, you haven’t done anything positive in your life, your parents can’t reach out to you, you don’t have any real friends because you look ugly. . .” and the list goes on. Depression lingers outside in the heat hoping he would become dehydrated and pass out so that maybe someone will notice him.

Around me, Depression is able to conquer me if it is only him and I.  Life slows down and people begin to look like they are judging me because of the look in my eyes and my only friend, Depression, is invisible to everyone. It makes the days darker than they really are. Remembering everything that has happened will immediately bring Depression to my side. I know having him next to me hurts the people around me that care, but as our thoughts become one, he seems to be the only one understanding me. I don’t like having Depression around, but it seems like everywhere I turn, or every time I look out the window to see blue skies, I instead see this person looking at me and telling me all the negative aspects of my life and the sky turns dark and the battle for life resumes without missing a beat. The only thing that seems like it can save me from destroying myself from the inside out is by destroying myself from the outside in.

To Be or Not to Be

Shakespeare’s “To Be or Not to Be” is really talking about death, but today it has been a question of “To do or not To do”.
I met a guy who is Arabic, he is also Muslim. I don’t have a problem with either of them, but he seems to have a problem with my “Hispanic-American” values. He treats me well, but he wants me to marry him, he wants me to have his kids… Keep in mind I just met him like 10 days ago…. I was raised to get to know someone before you marry that person. I like him a lot, but I am not ready for a marriage or kids. I am still in school and I am only 19. He seems to think that at 19, people should be ready for that kind of commitment.
My form of Shakespeare’s “To Be or Not to Be” is more like “to stay or not to stay”. I am a Lutheran, Hispanic, nicer than I should be and more open… He is Muslim, Arabic and prefers I keep a closed book. This is really confusing me because I like him, but do I like him enough to stay?

Some thoughts about the future

Have you ever dreamed about how your life would look in 10 years from now? I always thought about that as a child and I have realized that most of what I wanted to accomplish as a child has not been accomplished. I mean, I always thought that I would end up going to the University, but I thought I would be happy here. I thought I would be with my high school sweet heart, I thought that I would have a job and moved out by now. I have no job because school dominates almost everything. I am not with my high school sweet heart. But there are things that I didn’t think that would ever happen to me, like finding the best people on Earth to be friends with, or an opportunity to go to a different school that would be a lot easier for me to handle. I never thought I would be more outgoing. In 10 years from now, I want to have a degree, a job that I enjoy, stay friends with the people I am friends  with now, maybe have a family, travel to Africa, help motivate people, inspire people to follow their dreams even if it seems hard. Where do you want to be 10 years from now? Don’t regret not taking the chance to go somewhere or talk to that one girl/boy you have been crushing on. Take chances, you only have one chance to live.

Prisoner

No matter what I do, they always come back.
No matter how hard I try, they find a way in.
I lock the door and keep the key hidden,
But they are like robbers.
Sneaking in, whispering words of anger,
Pushing me off the edge.
I feel lonely in a crowd
Searching for your face.
I hear laughter and try and find you,
You are out of reach, just in front of me,
I can’t catch up.
The curtains are closing, the time has come.
They are engulfing me, wickedly mocking me.
I long for your touch, for your securing hand around me.
But it never comes.
I am lost in the darkness.
No white light to guide me out.
When I open my eyes,
I am still here in the present.
Nothing changes, you still aren’t here.
I see you in the distance,
I take a step forward and you back away, I lose you.
I begin to search harder,
My thoughts begin to scatter,
The questions keep coming,
Will I ever find an escape?
When will they leave?
I am in the darkest part of my mind.
No one can come in and I can’t come out.
I am the only captive,
I am the key holder,
I am also the guard.
I wonder, will I ever set myself free?

Deeper than Love

I want something that lasts awhile.

I want something stronger than love.

If it’s possible, I would like to try something.

I would like for you to close your eyes,

Think of a life with acceptance,

A life with someone who will stay with you,

Someone who has similar beliefs,

Someone who challenges you to be better.

I want to fall in love with you, but deeper.

I want to feel like a rose in the wilderness,

Naked, beautiful and undisturbed.

I want to feel like snowflakes falling,

Unique, pure and harmless.

I want to feel you next to me,

Loving, warm and comforting.

I want to fall in love with you, but deeper.

Think about the feeling of absolute peace,

Never being lonely or unloved.

Think about the feeling of flying,

I want to provide that excitement,

Opening your eyes to a new world.

A world that isn’t scary and ugly,

But a world that is full of love and beauty.

I want you to fall in love with me, but deeper.

I want you to see how good it feels,

To be as high as the clouds,

As handsome as the lion

And as loved as a new born baby.

Will you give me that chance?

The chance to show you what life really holds,

The chance to be yours,

The chance fall in love, but deeper? 

Write about your strongest memory of heart-pounding belly-twisting nervousness: what caused the adrenaline? Was it justified? How did you respond?

Have you ever been to a competition? Have you ever had a goal and you were about to see if you can accomplish it and the only thing standing between you and accomplishment are those butterflies that are not just in your stomach, but in your legs making you feel like jello and in your head causing everything to blur? Well that is how I felt my Sophomore year in High School. It was the day before Halloween and it was the State Swimming competition. I had made it in 3 events (one relay and 2 individual). I raced well in 2 events, but they didn’t qualify me for the finals. They were announcing the people who would be in the State finals the following day in the 100 yd Butterfly and my stomach flipped. I didn’t want to hear it, so I put music on to calm me down and began to help a friend with his swim cap since he was going to swim soon and soon after my coach came up to me and asked me “How do you feel about the number 13?” and I responded with a dumb remark “It’s just a number” and she was like “well, most people think it is unlucky, so do you think that too?” and I looked at her dazed and confused “Why is the number 13 so important to you right now?” and she told me to sit down. . . so I stopped what I was doing sat on the floor and she sat next to me. She said, “Kassie, I know that we have had our differences though out the year, and I know I have been hard on the team, especially you, but I think that it paid off –” I cut her off and was like, “yeah, but what does 13 have to do with anything?” She then said “I don’t want to disappoint you because I had said we were going back home tonight… but, we wont be going home tonight. You are the only one on the team that qualified for state finals –” “wait, what? how?” I started tearing up. “You are number 13 so far and you get to go to state finals. They are taking the top 24 and you are number 13!” I hugged her and jumped up and screamed and cried. My heart was pounding and I felt like I could accomplish anything. The next day I swam my best and placed number 15. My goal was to go to state, my goal was to not be the last person, but I made it. I met my goal.