Our Father

Tea with Anne

As I pray,

Our Father, Who art in heaven
Hallowed be thy name
,”
I close my eyes,
And turn my face to the heavens.

Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done
,”
I see a glorious city,
Ruled by a benevolent king.

On Earth, as it is in Heaven.
It starts in my heart,
A twinge of recognition.

Give us this day,
Our daily bread
,”
I see that king,
Feeding and Healing all who come before Him.

And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.

I shudder with recognition,
Of my own follies and forgiveness.

Lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil
,”
The tingle spreads from my heart to my whole self,
And I know, That He is here.

For thine is the Kingdom,
The Power, and The Glory,”

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33 Signs You’re From Arizona

Totally true 🙂

Thought Catalog

33 Signs You're From Arizona

1. No Mexican food from anywhere else in the US, especially on the East coast, tastes quite as authentic and amazing.

2. When outside of Arizona and in places with a lot of greenery, you really appreciate it because you’re used to seeing dust, dirt, rocks, browns and oranges.

3. There are few extreme pains that you experience as often as coming in contact with a seatbelt buckle during the summer.

4. You’ve left Chapstick in the car melt and ruined upholstery or even worse, if it’s inside of a bag, gotten several things messy with liquified balm.

5. You’ve been inside of or within a few miles of those massive, end-of-the-world looking haboobs.

6. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT EVEN IS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME AND WHY?

7. Early mornings don’t necessarily mean pleasant weather. 90-100 degrees in the AM happens often.

8. You’ve seen your share of gorgeous sunsets that combine…

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Day Dreaming

Have you ever just sat there and thought about what life would be like if something different had happened?

This is something that lingers in my mind daily, almost hourly, which is sad because I know I should accept my life as it is (especially since I can’t go back in time and change it…. even if I could I would alter everything and if I could, I might end up in a worse place…). Despite all of the negative things that have happened (abuse, ending a relationship that I was sure would last, adoption, losing family members, etc.) I tend to be optimistic about the future. I dream about everything I could be. I get depressed about that thought sometimes since at the moment, I am not doing very well in school (I used to be really good in school and this makes me a little angry with who I am). Everyone goes through doubt and I guess now is my time and I am hoping it will be over when I move to Brown Mackie.

I was asked about my future today, and I know that I want to be a lawyer, or someone who can make a difference in the world and let people know that there are good and honest people in the world. Some lawyers have made a name for all lawyers, saying that they all lie in one way or another, and I want to make that change.

I am hopeful that my generation will succeed in making the world a better place. When I was younger, my siblings and I played outside, talked (verbally and in person) with our friends, looked forward to school because we got to see our friends, we had imaginations and let them run wild. Man, those were the best. Now I find myself inside and wishing that I was out and about because I find myself tired and something called the internet keeps me online and has made me lazier that I thought I would be. I do get out of the house, but it is usually to the University and then back home. It gets old fast.

Most of the time, when I would go on a date, I would request going hiking or walking around a park or just sit and stare at the night sky. (It is a great way to get to know someone and actually talk.) With going to the movies or bowling or even to a restaurant I felt like I was being watched by not only my date, but by others and him nor I would really say anything to each other and the car ride home was usually pretty quiet (with the exception of him or I singing along to the radio).

In short, day dreaming about what life would have been like is pointless and really shouldn’t happen, but it does because we are human and can’t help it. Be positive about the future and what it might hold. Never stop dreaming about your goals, because you can make a bigger difference than you thing. Instead of staying inside all day, go out and have fun, losing your imagination is worse than anything in the world. Being creative is the best way to stay young. Lastly, if you are going to go on a date, instead of going to a movies or a restaurant, go to the park or a place you can hike and really get to know the person. It’s the perfect place to be yourself because you don’t have to conform to some social standard of eating properly or being quiet. So please, have fun and enjoy your life. It is worth it.

You can’t just BE

Earlier today I started feeling lost and I felt like I didn’t belong in the world. My dad came in and told me that sometimes things aren’t as bad as the seem sometimes. Yes, this is true, but I’m afraid that he is unaware of the battle raging in my head. My parents keep saying that I am handling my depression well and that I am doing better. I have just gotten better at hiding it and for some reason I blew up today. I was sure I was going to kill myself because I hate having bad thoughts. I got as far as putting a floor cleaner in my tea along with my prescription sleeping aid and waited for them to dissolve. I had a knife in my hand and turned up the music in my bathroom and shut the door. I got in the shower and grabbed my cup of death…. I was getting ready to drink it and I got a message from a friend of mine saying “I don’t want you to give up.” I was telling my friend that I was ready to surrender that I didn’t want to live my life the way that I was living it. I felt pressured to be happy and like I wasn’t allowed to feel sad. In my family, I am the mediator, now this sounds odd because I can’t even control the thoughts in my head, but I can somehow help my family control theirs. This is the worst part for me because I am stuck feeling helpless while I can help others. In the midst of me texting this friend of mine, I guess all I wanted to feel was wanted. I went back into my thoughts and all that I was wanted for was Sex. My ex-boyfriends always asked for sex and I didn’t give in and that caused problems. This friend of mine doesn’t live in my hometown and yet, he didn’t want me to give up. There are people in the world that mean what they say and although I am skeptical, I felt like he meant it. So Chris, thank you for making me feel wanted and appreciated. 

Sometimes people go a long time without being recognized and that is what makes people go insane. You need to acknowledge people and their efforts. You never know what someone is going through. Don’t pressure them into telling you how they feel, wait for them to open up. Don’t tell someone to “Be” happy because you can’t just BE anything. It takes time, it takes effort, and most of all it requires patience. My parents want me to BE happy and the result is something totally opposite. I feel at a loss because I can’t BE happy in a split second. So please be patient with people, their battles might not be as big as yours in your mind, but in their mind, it’s like trying to figure out how to breath underwater without an oxygen tank, it’s hard and seems impossible. 

Adoption Part 2

I dated quite a few guys in high school. Patrick was the first, I was with him for about 9 months, on and off, and when I broke up with him the end of Freshman year he was mad. I got with a friend from middle school, Chris, and was with him for 2 months at the beginning of Sophomore year. I called it off because he thought I was cheating on him with Brandon, which wasn’t true, he was ignoring me to play video games. I began dating Brandon in October 2009 and we broke up May 2010. I got with a guy named Zach in October and broke up with him 2 weeks later and got back with Brandon and broke up with him again in January 2011. I got with a friend named Lucas in August 2011 and broke up with him in September and got with Nathan in October and broke up with him in December because he cheated on me. I ended up going to Guatemala that year and got with a guy named Nestor, and we broke up November 2012 because of family issues and he was cheating. I got back with Brandon in December 2012 and broke up with him June 2013 because he was stressed because of my issues (in a different post). I got with Chris Struble because he liked me and I thought it would work, but we were 2 different people. I am now with my best friend Cameron, what a coincidence. I can’t tell you why I dated so many people, I didn’t intend to do this, it has to do with what happened to me.

Brandon and I
Chris Struble and I
 
Nestor and I
Cameron and I

Adoption Part 1

After the adoption, I was more distant than normal. I had friends, but they were different than the friends the rest of my siblings had and they were not people my adoptive parents would’ve liked me to hang out with. I was on the swim team during the summer and I learned butterfly and that was my main stroke for the rest of my swimming career. My sister was held back in 5th grade and I moved onto middle school alone. This was something I wasn’t used to. I had a lot going on. the end of 5th grade was the first time I was sexually harassed by an older gentleman, lets call him Frank. Frank was someone I really trusted, so when this happened I was scared, I heard about rape and what happens to people who tell someone what is going on, so I stayed quiet. This was the worst mistake of my life, but this is another blog story. For now, I will talk about my education. In middle school, I was in the Bilingual G.A.T.E. Program and I was an A/B student. I ran track and did shot put in 7th Grade. I found out I was asthmatic that year due to sprinting 400 m when that was something I didn’t train for (we were racing boys, I couldn’t let them win by much). We lost to the guys by 50 m when we were almost 300 m behind when I started, so I think we did well. The G.A.T.E. Program wasn’t very tough, but it was a lot of work. I got after school detention once, and it was because my adoptive mother was friends with one of the teachers and told her I had lied about homework and so I had to write a list of 10 words and their definitions 50 times each in one night… so 500 sentences in one night as a 7th grader, it didn’t happen. What my mother didn’t know was that I was friends with the monitors because I never got in trouble and I was always near a monitor in case something happened. The monitor that was supposed to take me to after school detention let me go home because he didn’t feel it was fair and took it off the school record. I got my first boyfriend, Jonathan, when I was ending 6th and going into 7th and I was with him for about 6 months. He was in the English G.A.T.E Program, so it was nice to know him.  My adoptive mother made me break up with him and I thought that we would be able to fake the break up, but it turns out that he was just using me, so it didn’t happen. I got depressed because I didn’t like to be used and there was a lot going on, so I started to cut my wrists without anyone knowing. I was a part of the orchestra and went to Disneyland with the advanced orchestra 2 years in a row, and I played the bass one year and the viola another. I got to go to Honors Orchestra 2 times as well, once with the bass, and once with the viola. The last year of middle school was the best and the worst year because I got with a guy I really liked and his sister was in my class and he was 1 year younger. He was really nice, but he believed everything his sister told him (i.e. that I cheated on him, that I was a liar, etc.) none of which was true. and a friend of hers liked him. The cutting never stopped, but I know when he broke up with me and I knew the reason why, I was so upset that I cut my wrist in the class in front of one of the teachers and he didn’t do anything about it, which made me feel worse. Also at the end of 8th grade, we found 2 tumors, one on my wrist and one in my eye, both turned out benign, but it was hard to deal with. We were also getting ready to move, houses that summer, so it was a very busy time for me.  I went to Cholla High Magnet School and I was a part of the International Baccalaureate Program (IB). The first year, I met my best friend, Cameron, which is interesting because I was terrified of him when I met him. We were in the same English class and he was scarier than anyone there, but that only makes sense because he was different than anyone else. I was an A/B student, and eventually became a straight A student for 2 years. I was on the Cholla Swim team all 4 years, 2 of them I was team Captain for the girls and 1 year I was Captain for both boys and girls. I went to State 2 times and qualified 3 times. I wrestled my first year, but got injured and wasn’t allowed to do any contact sports. I graduated 2nd in my class with a 4.09 GPA and was the only person to do a speech in Spanish. I now go to the University of Arizona as a double major in Africana Studies and Spanish. I am looking forward to a great college career. My plan is to be either a Prosecutor or a Lawyer for the parents who get their child taken away, I believe every parent deserves a fresh start, even if they don’t seem like they will change.

 

Foster Care

Getting to see Mom on Easter one year. 

I was living with my aunt and uncle for 3 years before they ended up adopting us. I wasn’t really thrilled about it. I was very much against it. I lived it one day at a time, only to see my mother. I was, and still am into school. I didn’t have many friends, why would I if I was going to move schools again anyway? I always did my work and did what I was told, but I wasn’t happy. I had to see a therapist every month because of the switch. I wet my bed at nights because I would dream about being with my mother again and then being taken away from her and woke up each night after I wet my bed. The nightmares kept going as I grew more depressed with each passing day. I wanted to die when I found out about the upcoming adoption. I was 8, almost 9, when I first nearly attempted suicide. I was allowed to wash the dishes, even the knives, and I was tempted by one of the vegetable knives I was washing. There I am, on the stool washing dishes and I find the knife and put it to my heart, when my uncle walks in and runs to me, taking the knife away and brings me to his room to talk to my aunt and I about it. I remember him telling me that it would have killed me and asking if I knew that, and I told him no, but I did and that was all I wanted, if I couldn’t be with my mom, then I would go to my dad, that was my logic. As you can see, I am still here today, so I haven’t died yet. The adoption came and I was happy to be with my brother and sister again, but I was sad because I no longer could see my mom. I was told that I wasn’t allowed to talk to her or my half siblings and that hurt so much. Foster care was a hard thing for me because I only got to visit my mom once in awhile, and those were very precious moments. We would play with horseshoes, jump rope, water jump rope or sit and thumb wrestle, of course there was more, but these games were fun. My mom still means a lot to me, even though I have another mother as well. They are both special to me. I grew to love my aunt as a mother, and eventually called her mom.

5 de mayo when I was in 2nd Grade.